Release Relationship Regrets with Acceptance

I don’t believe in regrets. Perhaps, because I have never done something so appalling that it is not forgivable. And, my intention is that my future self, the one that is near to the end of her days here on earth will leave without regret.

I don’t believe in regret because I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Even, those decisions and behaviors that were harmful to myself and others, I recognize were opportunities of growth for me.

I also don’t believe in regret due to missed opportunities. Coming from a Law of Attraction perspective, the idea of missing an opportunity is lack thinking. In our lives, many opportunities will come our way. And, if we miss an opportunity because we are not in alignment with it, meaning our thinking and feeling does not match the opportunity, then it was not our opportunity in the first place. Sometimes, the missed opportunities become our greatest blessings.

This reminds me of one of my clients who came to me because she wanted to attract soul love. But, one of her biggest blocks to meeting her ideal partner was that she believed she had “missed the boat”. She was in a long-term relationship that had ended 5 years prior, but in her mind he was “the one that got away”.
After further exploration and helping her to get very clear about her ideal partner, it was apparent that he was not “the one”. Yet, her belief that he was her soul mate prevented her from receiving someone new in her life who could fill this void.

If we are able to recognize that our worry, doubt, unworthiness or fear led to the missed opportunity, then we can shift these lower energies to positive expectation, optimism and passion so that we attract an abundance of new

opportunities. Sure, emotions such as sadness, disappointment and guilt are important when the situation calls for it, but when you feel regret these emotions are on-going.

When you think about a past event, even though it is not happening right now, you are still feeling the emotions in the “now” and those feelings are sending out a restrictive and disempowering signal to the Universe. You will then attract more situations, events, people, places and opportunities that will elicit more sadness, disappointment or guilt.
I had a client who was carrying around a lot of regret because she repeatedly attracted the wrong men. She was very skilled at attracting men who were not available, who confirmed her belief that she was not worth it. She was beating herself up for making the same mistakes and not learning from them.

I guess she thought that this regret would help her to stop making the same mistake. But, if she really listened to what her emotions were telling her, she might act differently. One primary purpose of our emotions is to motivate us to act.

However, as I say over and over again, different action requires a different vibration. A different vibration requires better feeling thoughts. Since, our unconscious mind drives 95% of our behaviour, the shift in vibration needs to be deep.

Regret is the opposite of acceptance and allowing. Regret is pushing against the reality of the past. Letting go of regret means letting go of judgment. Most often, it means forgiving of self and/or others. A key step to forgiveness is allowing for contrast, those things we don’t like, want or prefer in our experience.

Tarah Brach, psychologist and lay buddhist priestess, is an expert on Radical Acceptance. She works with the acronym RAIN to allow for whatever is troubling you.

Recognize

  • Recognize now what is happening inside of you.
  • Consider what is asking for your attention.
  • Pay attention to how the regret is living in your body, heart and mind.

Allow:

  • Allow life and what is happening inside you to be as it is.
  • Be willing to pause and accept the situation as it is.
  • Be honest about what is and let it be there.
  • Say “yes” to the situation without trying to control it or push it away.
  • Remember allowing does not mean approval.

Investigate with Kindness:

  • Explore what you are experiencing more closely.
  • Be curious about your inner world.
  • Ask yourself, “What am I believing here? What am I really afraid will happen?” for example, “I believe I am failing, I believe someone will reject me, I believe I am flawed, or I believe I can’t handle what is around the corner.”
  • How does the belief live in your body? What are the sensations? Scan
  • your body for tightness, pressure, aches, constriction, heat etc…
  • What emotion (s) do you become aware of as you connect to your body? Is it fear, shame, guilt, sadness/grief, or anger?
  • Send a gentle “yes” to your emotion.
  • Notice how you feel in your body as you say “yes” to your emotion. Is there a softening or opening in the body or heart ? If you are feeling more constriction for example, it most likely means you are in your head focusing on your limiting beliefs.
  • Ask the most vulnerable place inside of you what it needs and listen receptively. Does it need acceptance, love, forgiveness?
  • What message do you have to your inner vulnerability?
  • Provide a healing message to your inner life through words, touch (place a hand over your heart for example) or a deep caring energy.

Non-Identification: 

  • Offer an unconditional kind presence to your inner life.
  • Allow your internal experiences, thoughts, feelings and physical sensations to come and go as though they are waves of the ocean.
  • Do not get hitched or caught in any wave.
  • Your thoughts, feelings and physical sensations are part of your experience, but they are not the truth of who you really are.
  • Your true self is an expanded self that is powerful, loving, abundant, wise and compassionate.

If you are holding on to relationship regrets, choose acceptance and let them go. Once you let go of this baggage, you never know who or what is around the corner!
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